I’m looking for a new name to improve my street cred. Apparently T-Bone and Carlos Danger are already taken. Any suggestions?
@SHannitysHair
Dear Hair,
I understand that, when one has a common name like “Sean Hannity’s Hair,” one might want to mix things up a little bit. If you don’t want to go with a nice name like “Mike” or “Chris,” let me (and the internet) help you with some options.
Pimp Name: Stealth Maestro Hair Jazz
Anthony Weiner Name: Bernardo Gamble
Vampire Name: Count Charles Ratmagnet
Unicorn Name: Clover Beautiful Prince
I hope that helps. Maybe mash a couple of them together in a port-manteau? Stealth Maestro Clover has a nice ring to it.
Best of luck with your new nom de guerre!
Which came first: the Terrible or the Tuesday?
@OddlySaid
Dear April,
A question as old as time. I’m afraid that it’s above my paygrade to answer, but I can agree with you that Tuesdays are indeed terrible. In deciding on an expert to help with this question, I considered what makes Tuesday so terrible. Monday is the first day back, so I suppose there’s a certain newness to it all. Wednesday means the week is halfway over, Thursday is nearly Friday, and Friday is Friday. That just leaves Tuesday sitting there stinking. So, it’s the fault of our traditional Monday-Friday work week that is behind this. Thanks to the unions, many Americans have weekends off, making a union representative the best person with whom to check.
Did they plan the week thus because Tuesday was so terrible it couldn’t be redeemed, or did Tuesday used to be a perfectly lovely day until the unions came along and ruined it.
I tried to get in touch with a union member to ask about it, but they were on strike.
Are Hot Pockets actually a food item?
@JazzShaw
Dear Jazz,
Having never had a Hot Pocket, I’ll have to take a guess on this one. However, my guess is 100% accurate. No. Hot Pockets are absolutely not food items. I understand that they have a way of scorching the mouth upon the first attempt at a bite. Is this because the evil geniuses at the land of Hot Pockets want your taste buds so seared that you are powerless to taste the product? Perhaps.
A sandwich is a beautiful thing, on this I think we can agree. However, a sandwich does not need 87 ingredients, and those ingredients should certainly not include things like L-cysteine. I don’t know what L-cysteine is (although I hear it’s derived from things like hair and feathers, which are not foods), nor do I want to.
If you want to tuck into a Hot Pocket from time to time, don’t let me stop you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s actual food, though.
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